Thoughts about Kindness and Blessings

Cora the day I brought her home.

Its one week since Cora’s amputation. Today hasn’t been as good a day for Cora, but she’s come so far in a short time. I'm going to get all philosophical because that's what happens when I'm tired. There are people who question putting all this effort into a dog (that dreaded statement “It's just a dog”), especially one with all her issues. What I've discovered dealing with her and the other needy critters is that she's not just a dog. She's a living being and kindness and care given to her is kindness and care being put into this world. I do believe, and have believed for a long time, that good deeds grow and spread. People see how anger and violence and stuff like that spreads because it's so visible. People don't always see the goodness because it doesn't scream out for attention because goodness isn't always visible.

I've always been a bit idealistic I guess. I have imagined myself as an activist, trying to change the world but

Cora happy in our yard

somewhere along the way I realized I'm more of a hobbit. I'm not really meant for big things, but I know how to celebrate life. I am glad I am doing good things for Cora and it hasn't been an easy path but for me it's so worth it. I got to give her tummy rubs a couple days ago and I felt like I'd been given a huge gift. This puppy who always guarded her stomach and couldn't stand touch, was sprawled out letting me rub her most vulnerable place. The pain that made her so defensive is healing finally. I'm being the gift of having nothing taken for granted. I still get excited when I see her tail wag, because it wasn't long ago she never wagged her tail. Maybe it's a blessing what I do for Cora but I think it's more I'm a part of a blessing -this opportunity to beat the odds, to hope and rejoice in every step, to feel the love, dedication and determination. I'm glad I can follow this path and am delighted when others can gain from Cora's journey.

Cora's Surgery

Cora's surgery went well!! It was a bit longer than expected which made me a nervous wreck. There is no longer a stump to be injured or cause pain. We decided to keep the scapula. My vet consulted with another surgeon to make sure that was the right choice as the scapula is often removed. Leaving it meant a lot less surgery for Cora. Where the stump was is now smooth and they took muscle and pulled it over the area so it's extra padded. The vet talked about how much less pain Cora will have now.

The first part of Cora's night after surgery was rough but really she's doing pretty well. She wanted me to be there touching her, so we slept on the floor together. She complains when she stands up or lays down but that isn't surprising to me. This morning she was doing really well. She's walking, eating, drinking and peeing! We went through another phase where she just wanted to lay there with me up against her and we settled on the porch. Every once in a while she would twitch her ears when a bird was singing. And then she started growling and I looked down at her and I had a giant mosquito biting my hand. Thanks for letting me know Cora.

She's walking very cautiously and uncertainly. She has not been circling at all like she used to. I am so curious to see how she does. How much will not having the stump change how she walks and functions. I'm hopeful for my tough girl.

The Night Before-

Tonight is hard. Hopefully, there will be no more posts like this. Tomorrow is Cora's surgery and that's a very good thing. I have felt so awful leaving Cora like this the last few days but the alternatives seemed lousy. Have her amputation as an emergency surgery, not a planned one. Or have her go under anesthetic to get stitched up only to go under it again a few days later for the amputation. I've hated the options.

This evening, I was trying to clean Cora up a bit and I think I accidentally broke a scab. I got a  nip on the shin as  a result, but that’s nothing compared to how awful I felt. Not that there was much of a scab. It’s mostly an open wound and whenever I see it I feel bad and neglectful. I have never seen Cora lick or mouth her stump, but I’m wondering why it keeps getting worse. Is she doing something when she’s in the kennel, or is it just because she’s constantly moving the stump and bumping it?  I guess none of that matters. Tomorrow is surgery and this should get better. Tonight she is having troubles sleeping. She is out for a bit and then I hear her give a quiet whine.  I want her to be out of pain.

This is what Cora looks like tonight: I'm putting it as a link, as the wound on her stump is pretty obvious. I was trying to get a photo of her sleeping.

On Being More Cora

When I first adopted Cora, it wasn't because I thought she was sweet or cute. It was because her need was so great. For quite some time that  was the basis of our relationship. As we grew to know each other that changed.I got to know her quirks and she got to know mine. She found out I like it when she leans against me and I found that she liked to have her ears rubbed.  In the last week or two our relationship has changed again. Cora's stump has gotten progressively worse since she injured it 10 days ago. It's extremely painful to her. I keep wanting to help and fix and feeling frantic when I can't. As much as  I want to help, Cora is showing me how to cope. When I let her be, gets on with her life. She's playing when she's up to it. She's exploring and getting into mischief. When she can't, she sleeps.

Cora is doing more than just coping. She's growing. In the last week or so, she's finally mastered something that comes easy for dogs. She can eat her food out of her bowl without struggle. I know, it sounds like such a small thing. Here's how it goes, first she has to find the bowl. She can't see it but she can smell the food. She can hear it going in. In the past, Cora would get so excited her brain would shut down. She knew it was there and would just crash around making things harder, sometimes knocking over the bowl, because she couldn't be calm enough to use her senses and search. Now she's at the bowl and the smell is overpowering and she's hungry and she doesn't have much of any sense of feeling on her muzzle. So, not only can she not see the food that's not there, she can't feel it hitting her lips. So she would often accidentally push food away while trying to bite it and again, frustration would take over and she'd flail and push herself completely away from the bowl. But the last few days I've put the food in the bowl, she's run up to it and quickly guzzled it down.

I look at the damage to her stump and feel sick, but then I see Cora's strength and she gives me strength. I feel so awful about the current situation. That Cora is going to have a second amputation but I also feel blessed. I am sharing life with a being of amazing will power and desire to live. I am sharing my life with a being who can love  and fight tenaciously.  I am sharing my life with Cora the Determined.

Outside Adventures, Halter-free and Nap Time

Last night we had a success and fail. Cora hasn't been wearing a halter because it causes her pain when it touches her stump. I thought I'd try again, and last night I put it on her. Major success. She didn't complain at all. This is a huge victory, because she has always complained about having her halter on. In fact, in the past she did more than complain, she actively resisted. Teaching her words like "halter on" and rewarding her a lot is helping. She went outside and things were going well until it was time to come in. She hasn't yet mastered coming back to the house so I tried to lead her back in by holding the halter. This is our usual technique. However, she started crying immediately in obvious pain so the halter came off. I can guide her without the halter, but it's slower and I can't support her if she stumbles.

However, the pain meds are definitely helping Cora feel somewhat better. Cora spent a couple hours exploring the yard today. I felt guilty leaving her out so long, but when I tried to bring her in, by leash not halter, she put on the breaks. She is stubborn. With the halter I can "coax" her a long fairly easily, but I can't pull her forward on the leash. Besides being a bad approach, it would jerk her forward onto her stump. It took much coaxing, prodding, nudging, pleading, muttering and determination but Cora is finally inside and trying to settle into a nap.

Time to raise funds... Cora needs surgery :(

Cora was having a rough time when I last posted and it got worse. Cora's stump developed a seroma (fluid build up)and then it became infected. So Monday it was off the vet. She wouldn't let me put the halter on her. She didn't want to walk. She didn't want to be held. She was in so much pain and miserable and it was a very rough experience.

I got Cora calmed down and carried her into the vet.  The vets had to put Cora under anesthesia and clean the wounds and suture and put in a drain. It turns out you shouldn't leave a stump on a front leg. That's the quicker way to amputate so when Cora was a stray at a shelter that's what they did. The reason you don't leave a stump is there's not enough tissue to protect it if you fall., so injuries like Cora's can occur.

Two days later we went back to the vet. Cora keeps aggravating the injury and she pulled the drain out. The vet and I are both very worried that it's not going to heal because she keeps banging it. And even if it does heal there's a good chance that Cora would go through this again in the future.

So, the best long term solution for Cora is surgery. She needs to have her stump amputated. I am going to begin some serious fund raising. The vet said it  would cost about $2,000.00. I'll spend a day or two thinking about this, but I don't want to wait to long. I watch Cora fall and bump that  stump over and over. I hear her cries. I don't want her to deal with this pain longer than she has to.

Cora's Bad Days

I try to focus on the positive and with Cora’s progress, there is plenty to focus on. Today, however, has been one of those days when I wonder about Cora’s quality of life and whether I can do this. I hesitate to talk about times like this, but maybe that’s wrong. Most people do not celebrate when they see their dog wagging its tail or when their dog picks up a toy. What gives meaning to Cora’s accomplishments is who she is and the struggles she has.

A couple days ago Cora fell. This is not unusual. I think it will always be a part of her life. Being a tripawd is hard enough, but when you are also blind and have coordination problems, falling down is inevitable. Cora typically reacts by getting angry or by simply getting up and continuing on. When Cora fell a few days ago, I knew it was different. Even before she started screaming, I’d heard the sickening loud thunk. I was at Cora’s side almost immediately and she was crying, hunkered over and bleeding. She had landed hard on her stump and it was bloody and bruised. My tough, independent girl wanted me to hold and calm her.

She was unhappy the rest of the day and I mostly kept her sleeping.  Yesterday was better, except that she kept breaking the scab open. I thought today would be good for her. I’d be at work and she’d get to rest, in the kennel, and give her stump time to heal. I got home from work a bit late and she really needed out to potty. Typical dog stuff.

After that Cora became an angry, snapping, out of control dog. I’ve been bitten by Cora before. I’m working with the behaviorist and none of her bites have been serious, but obviously it’s not ok. I couldn’t calm her down. I couldn’t redirect her with treats. I was afraid for myself and overwhelmed by the barking and activity. I was worried and sad for Cora who seemed so unhappy. 

I sent Cora outside. She loves to be in the yard. Her barking quieted and she began to explore. I just brought her inside, an hour later; and she’s calm and manageable. There is no rulebook for this and the best I can do is not make any one moment, define who Cora is or how she will be.